Andy Aaron

Q: Can you realistically foresee finding anything either in your mission or in the successor missions that are planned to go in the next few years, find something that would be so exciting and so dynamic that it would re-energize the space program?

A: Well, certainly I think finding water on Mars.

—Interview with Glenn Cunningham, project manager for The Mars Observer, on National Public Radio, August 21, 1993.

Now, from a source far beyond the reaches of this terrestrial sphere, comes the purest water ever imagined. A virgin spring untouched by humans. So clear and pristine that it sets a new standard in water purity. The fourth planet deep in our solar system now quenches your thirst with Celestial Springs™ — Heaven's Perfect Beverage™.

Celestial Springs™' journey begins with the pure rain that fell eons ago on the 81,000-foot volcano Olympus Mons in the towering Tharsis Range near Mars' equator — millions of miles from the hectic pace of, say, Evian, France.

This pure water is gently filtered by nature as it flows through the volcano's bedrock. Gravity less than half that of Earth's ensures that water percolates extraordinarily slowly through the ancient mountain on its way to Celestial Springs™. And Mars' leisurely 668-day year assures a stable aquifer that could never be achieved on Earth.

Celestial Springs™ has a crisp, clear, invigorating taste. Its naturally occurring bubbles derive from a high concentration of inert Argon gas, giving it a unique effervescence that remains lively for weeks after opening.

After harvesting and bottling at the source, our water is transported to Earth aboard the Refreshment Ship New Enterprise, its precious cargo ferried through the vast empty reaches of interplanetary space on its way to your door.

With Earth's precious life-giving fluid becoming ever more tainted, isn't it time you turned to the one source you can trust? Experience water you could have once only dreamed of. Experience water only Adam and Eve might have tasted. Experience Celestial Springs™ — Water from Beyond the Sky™. Next shipment arriving October, 2012.

—Andy Aaron. Drawing by Lamont Harvey.

DOT COM FILE

When Michael Ovitz, the Hollywood agent turned Hollywood manager, opened a new talent agency last year, he quickly signed Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, and Robin Williams as clients. Ovitz is planning to introduce his newest client at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, in the form of a twenty-foot-tall float: he is a pasty-looking cartoon figure, named Jeeves, who betrays no discernible personality.

Jeeves is the mascot of Ask.com, an Internet search-engine Web site that lets you pose questions to Jeeves, who is supposed to help you find the answer.

Not exactly. When you ask a question of Jeeves, you aren't taken anywhere. Instead, several jazz riffs on your question appear on the screen, and you are asked to click on the one that most closely resembles your original query. The Web site wants users to feel that they are talking to a polite, knowledgeable valet, but it's more like talking to a roomful of valets who have been drinking heavily.

We decided to test-drive Ask Jeeves by asking the valet some questions about himself.

Q: Do you agree that Ovitz's background as a Hollywood superagent will allow you to tap into his insider knowledge of the entertainment industry?
Ask Jeeves: Where can I learn about the home-improvement subject framing: interior details?

Q: Are you excited to meet Robin Williams and Cameron Diaz?
Ask Jeeves: Where can I find personal ads?

Q: How does Jeeves feel about merchandising, animation, and placement in movies and television shows?
Ask Jeeves: Where can I buy TVs on line?

Q: Will you appear in a movie some day?
Ask Jeeves: What day is it?

Q: How tall is Jeffrey Katzenberg?
Ask Jeeves: Where can I find a concise encyclopedia article on altitude?

In order to test Ask Jeeves's contention that the Internet butler is not based on Bertie Wooster's valet, we took some dialogue from Wodehouse and tried it out on the Web site:

Bertie Wooster: What is it Shakespeare calls sleep?
Wodehouse Jeeves: Tired Nature's sweet restorer, sir.
Ask Jeeves: Where can I learn about brain mechanisms of sleep?

Bertie Wooster: What do ties matter, Jeeves, at a time like this?
Wodehouse Jeeves: There is no time, sir, at which ties do not matter.
Ask Jeeves: Where can I buy accessories (general) on line?

Bertie Wooster: What do you suppose has happened, Jeeves?
Wodehouse Jeeves: It is difficult to hazard a conjecture, sir.
Ask Jeeves: What if I use Ask Jeeves and still can't find an answer?

—Andy Aaron

In this recessionary era, patrons of haute cuisine restaurants have taken to eating in more downscale establishments. The trend is so great that many of the finest restaurants have had to rewrite their menus entirely in order to stay afloat. Truffles, caviar and foie gras are disappearing from menus in favor of burgers and grilled chicken. How the mighty have fallen.

Now, it's one thing for an investment banker, short on deals, to decide to do a little belt-tightening by dining in the Grill Room of the Four Seasons rather than the Pool Room. But what of the mighty who have really taken a nosedive? For them, skipping the appetizers at Le Cirque won't do the trick. They may be compelled to dine out where most Americans eat — at fast-food joints.

Herewith is a guide to economical dining for disenfranchised arbitrageurs.

McDONALD'S "BIG MAC" ($2.99): Our generously marbled ground chuck is sculpted into two patties which are seared on a cast-iron griddle. The patties are then ensconced in a domed sesame-studded roll, topped with fresh iceberg lettuce, tranches of pickled cucumbers, a slab of cheese, and finished with our specially herbed sauce. On the side, the chef recommends an order of frites, served with our foil-wrapped tomato coulis.

ROY ROGERS "CHICKEN MEALS" (2 pieces for $4.49): Our fixed-range poultry is slaughtered under strict hygienic conditions. Each fowl is then carved into serving pieces which are dipped in an egg-based batter and coated with pepper, herbs, and crumbled yeast bread. Finally, they are plunged into a searing-hot vegetable oil bath to retain their moisture. Served with puréed potato under a chicken stock based sauce, a biscuit, and marinated fresh cabbage julienne.

McDONALD'S "CHICKEN McNUGGETS" (6 for $2.39): Our poultry is carefully deboned and then only the breast and thigh meat are selected. The meat is minced and blended with eggs, spices and stone-ground cornmeal. Our chef then shapes the mixture into boulettes which are plunged swiftly into sizzling vegetable oil. Served with a quartet of sauces: Mustard, Sweet 'N Sour, Honey, and Barbeque.

PIZZA HUT "BIG TOPPER" ($3.29): Our hard-wheat dough gets a healthy dose of fresh yeast and is encouraged to develop at its own natural rate. The chef stretches and spreads the rising dough, massaging it into a thick galette. It is then coated with herbs and a swirl of reduced tomato purée. Baked in a scorching hot oven until crisp.

DEL TACO "TACO GRANDE" ($2.19): We make our own tortillas from fresh ground whole-grain American corn. They are folded and then quickly crisped in searing-hot oil. The curved "shells" are first filled with a layer of ground beef infused with chili pepper essence and preserved jalapeños. Available with a side order of "El Scorcho", our cayenne pepper salsa.

WENDY'S "HOT STUFFED BAKED POTATO" ($2.99): We select only the largest Idaho potatoes which we slowly bake in our steel ovens. Just before serving, the potatoes are sliced open and stuffed with a farcie of steamed diced broccoli and a melted cheese béchamel sauce.

BURGER KING "OCEAN CATCH" ($2.19): An escalope of fresh-frozen Icelandic cod is coated with bread crumbs and submerged briefly in scalding-hot vegetable oil. It is then glazed with herbed mayonnaise and placed inside a light, airy, delicate bun. Served with Sauce Tartare on the side.

—Andy Aaron is a New York television producer and writer. He is a member of the Clean Plate Club.

Americans fret about how Japanese corporations manage to join together, forming alliances (keiretsus) for the common good. We still tend to maintain a fussy view of such behavior as "anticompetitive." But one sector of our economy seems to have already put into place a healthy form of collusion, judging by the ads in the NYNEX Yellow Pages.

Whom is our escort service for?

INTERNATIONAL ESCORTS: For those who are accustomed to only the very best.
REGENCY: For those accustomed to only the very finest.
PARADISE: For gentlemen with exquisite taste.
ENTRE NOUS: For those who appreciate elegance. For only the most discriminating.
A AFTER HOURS: For the discriminating client.
PRESTIGE: Catering to the discriminating executive who requires personal attention.
NUMBER ONE PARK AVENUE: Catering to the discriminating, accustomed to the very finest in life.
TRE' CHIC: For the most discriminating, who appreciate the finer things in life.
ILLUSION: When you deserve the best.
FEMMES COSMOPOLITES: For those who will not settle for second best.

How are our hostesses chosen?

CROWN: We carefully select our escorts for their poise, charm, intelligence, and beauty.
REGENCY: Selected for their beauty, personality, and charm.
PRESTIGE: Our hostesses are selected for their beauty, poise, and elegance.
THE PLATINUM CLUB: Our hostesses are chosen for their beauty, charm, and poise.

Who are our hostesses?

INTERNATIONAL ESCORTS: Our escorts are models, beauty queens, actors/actresses...
A-I ESCORTS: Models, beauty queens, actresses...
REGENCY: Models and entertainers...
PARADISE: Lovely models, actresses, & dancers.

—Andy Aaron (Spy Magazine)

"Ooh, yummy, yummy, got bunny in my tummy / It's a Bunny Burger taste sensation (bunny!) / Kinda like chicken, kinda like roast beef / Pledge allegiance to the Bunny Burger nation / They love it in France / Come on and give it a chance: Bunny Burgers!"

Would the public share the excitement of the PR community for eating creatures heretofore associated with post-Lenten celebrations? We hired market researchers Penn & Schoen to recruit a demographically diverse focus group.

Penn posed a series of hypothetical questions: "You're on a desert island, and there are only two things to eat: bunnies and snails. Which would you eat?"

"Snails," they said as one.

"Bunnies or squid?"

"Squid." It was unanimous.

"Suppose now that the bunny meat were ground in a patty? Suppose it were a bunny burger?"

"Bunny burger!" several people exclaimed, as the mood in the room turned ugly.

A cart loaded with what appeared to be authentic Bunny Burgers — actually ground turkey meat with applesauce garnish — was wheeled into the room. More typical was the reaction of a middle-aged woman who, after a valiant struggle to take the first bite, immediately spat it out, declaring, "You know what it is? It's the thought of what it is — I can't."

We rented an empty storefront in the American Way Mall on Route 46 in Fairfield, NJ. We installed a garish pink backdrop and large hucksterish signs and hired a pair of gangly postadolescents to don fey, demeaning pink costumes complete with foot-high pop-up rabbit ears.

"It's kind of like eating your dog," said one woman. Others likened the experience to eating chicken, liver, reindeer meat and Nutri-System.

"Who dreamed up this name?" demanded Mike Alino, a local high school teacher. "It's like trying to sell Bambi burgers, you know? This is like killing the Easter rabbit, or like killing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You don't do this!"

"Clearly, if someone tried to go forward with Bunny Burgers, they would have picketers, protesters, riot outside the Bunny Burgers stands, and so the product couldn't make it," was the solemn verdict of focus-group organizer Mark Penn.

—Andy Aaron (Spy Magazine). Full article at andyaaron.net.

How Trends Emerge, Despite Our Best Efforts

Actual message left on my answering machine in Los Angeles:

"Andy — it's Mark, duuude. Call me back, 976-5633, duuude."

Had I called this stranger back, I discovered, I would have been connected to a "rap line" and charged $2 on my next phone bill.

Personal note clipped to an advertisement for a get-rich-quick book, sent to me by mail:

"Andy — this worked for me; you ought to call. — Bob D."

I phoned "Bob D." soon thereafter. "I got a note from Bob D.," I said, "and I was trying to remember if he's a friend of mine."

"Oh, that was just a marketing strategy," replied a spokesperson for Bob D.

Actual message left on my answering machine in New York:

"Hello, Andy. This is Ted. I'm calling for Don. Don would like to speak with you, so at your convenience would you please give him a call tomorrow any time after eleven."

I returned the phone call on February 21, 1989, at 4:50 p.m.

Me: "This is Andy Aaron. I got a call from Ted."
Don: "Yeah, he was calling you from Prudential about our new tax-deferred savings and protection plan..."
Me: "Yeah, now the thing is — do I know Ted?"
Don: "No, you don't."
Me: "He used my first name, so I was wondering if there was a reason."
Don: "Uh, no."
Me: "Okay, that's all I needed to know. Thank you."

I got another call: "Andy, this is Claire. Please call Don tomorrow after 11:00 a.m."

Me: "Do I know Claire?"
Don: "Uh, I don't believe you do, no."
Me: "Do I know you?"
Don: "Uh, we've not had the pleasure of being introduced."
Me: "Okay, but we have a personal relationship?"
Don: "No, we do not."
Me: "Thank you."

—Andy Aaron

Part I: How Life-style Journalism Works

In the course of a 73.5-year lifetime, the average American will spend: 7 years in the bathroom, 5 years waiting in line, 2 years trying to make phone calls to people who aren't home, 1 year searching for misplaced objects, 8 months opening junk mail.

These factoids, from a press release sent out by the Pittsburgh consulting firm of Fortino & Associates, have appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today (twice), Business Week, Psychology Today, the Harper's Index, and on NBC, CBS and ABC News, The Tonight Show, The Today Show and Good Morning America.

After a grueling four minutes with our own calculator, we broke the alleged "lifetime" statistics down into their daily quotas. According to Fortino's data, the average American spends, every day: 2 hours 20 minutes in the bathroom, 1 hour 40 minutes waiting in line, 40 minutes trying to phone people who aren't home, 20 minutes searching for misplaced objects, 15 minutes opening junk mail.

Has anyone outside of Eastern Europe actually waited in line 1 hour and 40 minutes a day, seven days a week, from infancy until death? After all, the Stones don't go on tour that often.

Part II: Talking to the Factoid Factory

We called Fortino & Associates president Michael Fortino and asked if something was perhaps wrong with his figures.

"Wait a minute," he said, apparently without irony. "Do you have industrial analysts going out and taking data that contradicts ours?"

We asked how he'd arrived at the assertion that Americans spend 20 minutes daily searching for misplaced objects. "Just think of how much time you spend looking for a can opener, for example," he said cheerfully. But don't most people keep their can opener in a kitchen drawer? "But that time you spend fiddling around in the drawer looking for it is wasted time. It's misplaced within the drawer."

"Our speeches book out at about $5,000 for a one-hour talk," he said. "But I'm not in this for the money or the publicity. I'm trying to make people aware of a concept called Life-style Management. I want to make it a concept for the nineties."

—Andy Aaron (Part I) and Eddie Stern (Part II)